


I Don't Smoke

by frxctured



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Title from a Mitski Song, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28416744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frxctured/pseuds/frxctured
Summary: After a mission, Q didn’t know which James would walk through the door. Would it be the one he had fallen in love with, all romance and humor? Would he be inconsolable from the weight of his job and the trauma it caused? Or would he be the worst version of all, insulting and manipulating Q?
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	I Don't Smoke

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own the James Bond series, any of the characters, or any copyrighted content referenced in the story. All rights go to the official owners. Title is from a song by Mitski. This is a non-commercial fanfiction, and if anyone affiliated with the series would like it removed, I will gladly remove it. Thank you.
> 
> Alright, now that that's out of the way...hi! I'm pretty new to this whole fanfic thing, I've RPed in various fandoms but never really published a fic online. I've been reading a ton of 00q fanfic lately though and I'm kind of in love with it! So I decided to try my own. I promise if I keep writing fic, it won't always be this much angst :)
> 
> TW for a somewhat toxic relationship, and a few moments of (potentially) emotional abuse. (I'm not sure if it's technically abuse, but you can never be too safe with trigger warnings)

Even though the smart blood’s usefulness had run its course, Q still had access to all of his agents’ vitals and locations. It was a back door security measure he had put into place; in case the transmission to MI6 was somehow shut down, the information would still transmit to his personal computer. He didn’t check the agents’ status often, really. Having been involved with lots of shady figures on the internet, Q knew the value of privacy better than most. But on the nights when James was away from their flat, Q would indulge himself. He needed to know that his partner was safe, and that he was still breathing. Tonight, as James was off on a mission in Taiwan, Q opened his laptop to the screen, sighing with relief at the blinking green light.  
The presence of a pulse, though, gave no indication into James’ mental state. After a mission, Q didn’t know which James would walk through the door. Would it be the one he had fallen in love with, all romance and humor? Would he be inconsolable from the weight of his job and the trauma it caused? Or would he be the worst version of all, insulting and manipulating Q? The memories of this version of James caused lots of sleepless nights for the quartermaster. Sometimes he would lay awake, practically hearing his lover’s voice in his head.  
“I don’t know why I even try with you, Q. You’re useless for anything but sitting behind a computer.”  
“I know you don’t give a damn about me. I know you never did. You don’t need to pretend.”  
“I’ve seen the way you talk to him. There’s no way you’re just friends. Stop lying to me.”  
The words would fly through his head, spinning around him until he would just break down and cry. Deep down, he knew he was useless on any level except intellectual. Even though James would tell him after that he didn’t mean the things he said, Q knew that some of it was true. He wouldn’t cheat, of course, and god fucking damn, it hurt to hear his partner say he did. Even if the accusation was born from paranoia and maybe a little delusional thinking, Q had no way to defend himself. It was one of the scariest nights of his life.  
The worst part, though, was that all of James’ accusations only came from hurt. Q knew that James had lived through more traumatic events and was responsible for more deaths than anyone else he knew - it was an occupational hazard, and Bond had been in the game longer than most double-ohs managed to stay alive. James would always apologize after the incidents, and Q knew it wasn’t his fault. His trauma and pain just tended to turn into anger, and he would take it out on anyone nearby. Q would forgive him each time; how could he not? This was the man he loved, he would reassure himself, and he didn’t want to lose James forever, or hurt him even more by blaming him. So instead, he would just leave his frustrations inside, bringing them out when nobody was around to see.  
Tonight, with James far away, Q was free to feel all the pain he needed to. He didn’t hesitate to take advantage of that. He knew that the moment James walked through the door the next day, whichever version it happened to be, he would have to go back to being completely supportive, both as his boyfriend and his quartermaster. He didn't mind - he loved James, after all, and it was good most of the time, it really was. James had been there to support him when nobody else was, and the relationship they had built wasn't worth throwing away over something so stupid, was it? "Sounds like that bastard has broken enough of your equipment," Eve had told Q, "it'd be a shame if he broke your heart too." Q would never admit it, but his heart was already made to be broken. He had never fallen for someone this way before, and he knew that if he tried to date anyone else, he would always compare them to James. In his mind, nobody could ever compare. So the two of them would stay, just as they've always known. Some might say it was meant to be, two people broken in different ways, holding each other together. There was something beautiful in that. They chose to ignore the less beautiful parts, the fact that neither one could stay together without the other. Somewhere inside him, Q knew it wasn't healthy. He knew it wasn't right, to love someone so completely that he was unable to love himself anymore. James must have known it too. But doing something about it would mean losing each other, maybe forever. Q chose not to think about it, closing his eyes and letting the night carry him back to his love.

**Author's Note:**

> I already know I'm going to look back on this and cringe, it just felt really important to me to write it in the moment lol


End file.
